Cultivating Community Abroad

By nature, I am a shy person. My mom tells me that as a child, I was very clingy. I think she was quite surprised when I became a world traveler. How could such an introverted person venture over to Europe with nothing more than a big backpack, the then-travel guide for young people Let’s Go Europe, and a vague sense of where my wanderings might take me?

All of this is by way of saying that it was a big stretch for me to meet and befriend new people in Lyon. We visited Lyon twice before we decided to settle there. So, we already had more than a passing acquaintance with the city and what it had to offer. Before we moved there, Joe contacted a long-time friend, Georges, who lives in Vernaison, a small town about 20 kilometers (12 ½ miles) south of Lyon. Proving it’s a small world, Joe and Georges met when Georges was a researcher at Stanford University in Palo Alto and their daughters were in first grade together. Joe’s and Georges’ families connected and became fast friends. Sadly, Michelle, Georges’ wife, passed away some years ago.

Georges introduced us to several of his long-time friends – Danielle, Fanlou (François Louis) and Fanlou’s partner Delphine. We were soon invited to meals at their homes and walks in the countryside. We also attended concerts, went to museums, and explored neighboring towns together. So, when we moved to Lyon, we had some anchors already placed and could venture out more confidently from there. There are several other factors I can point to that proved invaluable for both of us in cultivating community.

Engaging with Language Partners: A number of years ago, through the website conversationexchange.com, Joe and I both found and established long-time conversation partners. Joe found two French partners in Paris – Thibaud and Patrick, and I found an Italian partner, Maria Elena, in Genoa. Having a language exchange partner truly helps build confidence in speaking another language – one of the hardest aspects of gaining fluency.

Studying with a Native Speaking Teacher: I realized that it was essential to have a French teacher in Lyon. Although I studied with a wonderful French teacher for about a year before we moved to Lyon, I still wasn’t at ease with the language. It had been too many years since I formally studied French at the University of Oregon. Through a protracted online search, I found a fabulous French teacher in Lyon, Veronik, who is also a talented actress (comédienne in French). Veronik uses a variety of methods – reading, watching videos, summarizing a day’s activities, writing impressions – to cultivate greater fluency. I learned a great deal from her. Also, she was a reliable source of recommendations for restaurants, theater performances, interesting towns in France and intriguing spots in Lyon.

Seeking New Connections: Occasionally seeing friends and weekly studies with a teacher would not, in and of itself, create community. When Joe had a serious bicycle accident and was in recovery for many months, I temporarily lost my hiking buddy and was forced to venture out more on my own.

One day inspiration hit me and I placed an announcement on the website Nextdoor requesting English French language exchange partners and hiking companions.

Much to my surprise, I received an immediate and overwhelming response! In fact, so many people responded that I had to quickly suspend my announcement. I decided to focus on women near my own age with interests in common. I arranged to individually meet six women for coffee, to see whether we “clicked.”  It turned out that only two women genuinely wanted to have a language exchange. The others were either quite fluent in English already or didn’t have an interest in improving their fluency. That ended up being a gift for me, as when we met, we only spoke in French!

Over time, I established ongoing friendships with three women, all quite different, with very different backgrounds, interests, and lifestyles. They remain friends to this day.

Pushing the Envelope: Sometimes it’s necessary to try new things to solidify friendships and create community. One new friend, Michelle, loves to go to the movies. I was a bit intimidated about going to a French film (without English or French sub-titles) as I imagined myself being completely lost. Indeed, I went to several films with Michelle and was only able to follow a small amount of the dialogue. As with American films, a lot of the banter is very fast-paced and a lot of jargon is spoken. However, I realized it really didn’t matter, because, for the most part, I was able to follow the story line. Also, after seeing the film, I had the perfect opportunity to improve my French by discussing it with Michelle and finding out the intricacies that I had missed.

Joining Associations: As Joe has written in our book, French people are very active in social associations. Unlike the decline of U.S. associations chronicled in the book Bowling Alone, associations in France are alive, well and very diverse. Joe decided to engage in a local Toastmasters group to improve his French and also joined the local Gliding Club at an airport south of Lyon.

Lyon glider club

Following Up on Serendipity: The owner of the first apartment we rented wasn’t available on the day we moved in. Luckily for us, he asked his former nanny and friend of the family to show us the apartment. From our first meeting with Andréa, who subsequently became a friend, we received a very warm welcome. Joe mentioned that he is an avid cyclist and Andréa replied that her father-in-law, Daniel, also enjoys cycling. She facilitated a connection between the two and Daniel quickly became a regular cycling and also cross-country skiing partner for Joe. We also became friends with Daniel’s wife Natalie and several of their close friends.

Our French friends often asked us what kind of a reception we were having in Lyon. The received wisdom is that Lyonnais are rather reserved and unfriendly. However, we found the opposite to be true! We know that as Americans “of a certain age” we are cut more slack for our language limitations and our occasional cultural gaffs. However, another big factor in meeting people has been our genuine interest in learning about local customs and participating in community events.

Keeping the Momentum Going: Since moving back to the U.S., I craved the ability to continue language exchanges in French as I do in Italian. So, I contacted the editor of the website of the San Francisco Bay Area branch of Acceuil, the world-wide French association that welcomes new Francophone arrivals, who very graciously allowed me to place an announcement on their website.  I received several responses and have cultivated friendships with Élise, a young mother living near me in Mountain View and Lydie, who lives in Samognat, about an hour and 15 minutes north of Lyon. It was one of Lydie’s daughters, who lives in San Francisco, who saw my announcement on the website and encouraged Lydie to contact me.

Lydie is a classical pianist and clarinetist and we had an opportunity to see her play in her local orchestra. Élise is originally from Brittany – one of our favorite places – and, it turns out she has been participating in top-rope climbing since she was seven. Through her, I was initiated into the sport at a local climbing gym and have recently been taking lessons on technique.

Creating a community abroad involves persistence and the willingness to be flexible. Here in the U.S., I know that at my age (68) it is harder to cultivate new friends than when I was younger. Without the structure of work and school, it is simply more difficult to encounter new people. I quickly realized that my new friends in Lyon already had their existing social circles. If I was to become a part of those circles, it was incumbent upon me to actively pursue the friendship. Similarly, when we were living in Lyon, in order not to lose contact with friends in the U.S., I regularly set up video calls to reconnect.

Meeting and cultivating friendships abroad bring immeasurable gifts that last a lifetime. From my experience, it’s absolutely essential to meet locals if you move to another country. Perhaps it would have been easier to only cultivate friendships with Americans living in Lyon. However, I don’t think that our experience would have been nearly as richly rewarding.